My list (so far) of stuff you never knew before you had kids

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e&f beach buckets

  1. The love you feel for your newborn will be the strongest emotion you have ever felt
  2. The lack of sleep there after will be the strongest tiredness you have ever felt.
  3. Eating your dinner whist breast feeding will become the norm (*piece of cake*)
  4. You will know all the words to the starting song/theme tune of EVERY Cbebbies programme – which at some point you will find yourself (without child) singing in Sainsburys
  5. Ditto find yourself watching an entire Cbeebies programme (also childless)
  6. You will defecate with an audience at least once.
  7. You will break all YOUR OWN  “When I have a child……..”rules” (For example -no chocolate/no telly/no sugar before the age of 14 – no Mc Donalds/no iPad usage/no toy guns/no Barbie etc etc etc etc
  8. On a Friday night your ‘fun-lovin’ self will get binned and your “don’t get too pi**ed voice” will be become paramount….mainly because of the point below
  9. You will never get a ‘lay-in’ again (until I guess they clear off university) and No it doesn’t matter if you are hungover – The swimming lessons still commence at 9am!
  10. They will have a better social diary than you – you will know this as your entire week and  weekend will be spent driving them to places.
  11. Toddler tantrums don’t stop when they stop being toddlers
  12. You will sound like your mum
  13. It will take you a year to finish a book
  14. You will never ‘get – on – top’ of the ironing
  15. Children’s party’s are as irritating as you thought they would be – and you will learn to be selective – (IE only go to the ones that serve wine)
  16. You will become HATEFUL of balloons and HATE that they are given out at every (irritating) children’s party to bring home (You will automatically pop them before you get in the car)
  17. You will eat leftover fishfingers
  18. You will get used to sharing a bath with (At least) one Star wars figure or Barbie
  19. You will have to accept that their bedrooms will always be a mess
  20. Your house for a while will be a littered with brightly coloured plastic stuff – which you will hoover up and stand on
  21. Your walls at some point will be attacked by crayola and felt pens
  22. you will want a ‘break’
  23. But you will love them with all your heart!!! :0)
  24. And not be able to imagine life without them – even though they drive you nuts occasionally /oftern

(The list so far)

X b

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What my mornings look like – School running

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“What do your mornings look like?”

This is Mine……

5.30/6am Alarm bleeps, drag self out of bed and in to running clobber – RUN

7am back home – follow automatic bodily response and reach for not water but the coffee machine, which I load with as much Monsoon Malabar (strong coffee) as it will take. Press MAKE

7.15am Wake up the little people and my husband – luring him with the (Strong) smell of Monsoon Malabar

7.30am Fill veins with freshly made Monsoon Malabar and stir porridge for the little people – (who want cereal instead) – look for cereal – no cereal – make toast  – drink more coffee.

7.45am Make ‘pack-up’s’ – argue about ‘pack ups’ – the little people want strawberries not apples – we don’t have strawberries (its March – we have Apples) – Make more toast for the husband -drink more coffee.

7.50am Convince the little un’s to get dressed – clean teeth (or suck the end of a tooth brush) argue about school uniforms – wrong socks/tights/jumpers.

8.00am Wave off husband – then run a bath for myself – ask children AGAIN to put on shoes and original jumpers ‘back-on’ – argue some more about school Uniforms.

8.20am Finally get in the bath – rush – get out – panic dress (tempted to put back on running clobber)

8.30am Come down stairs to find a Guinea pig watching The Garfield show and that the children are playing football in the garden shoe-less and jumper-less – (lose the will) – drink more – coffee.

8.35am leave house – with scooters.

8.37am Return back to the house for forgotten lunchboxes.

8.39am Child melt down due to scooter and The Apple in lunch box.

8.40am Both children develop snail-itis ( a syndrome that effects a child’s ability to move any faster than snails pace – particularly on the way to school)

8.43am Second melt down due to a forgotten swimming bag and The Apple in the lunch box.

8.45am – We can hear the School bell – One child instantaneously develops a ‘tummy ache’ (OR instead of school ‘I would rather go back home and watch The Garfield show’ ache)

8.46am – Wave off the children – breath a sigh of achievement and *high five* other parents who (you can tell) have had varying – but similar mornings to mine…..

8.50am back home MAKE MORE coffee!

Church/shocked Sunday faces/hungover

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“Ok” the last time I went to Church was Christmas time, an evening candle lit service in our local Domesday church – with WINE…..the female vicar and I got horrendously drunk on Grenache – I think, I recall, I slagged off god :0/ (who I’m not a massive believer in -forgive me for I sinned) she slagged off the older parishioners who think women vicars are ‘sent’ from the devil / blame them for the recent floods etc etc (obv’s – that kind of ridiculous-ness’s).

Anyway the night ended with us climbing over a wall and helping her drive her pink fiat car (complete with a ‘fuelled by angels’ sign on the back window) a straight mile home blotto!!!! :0/ (OMG ‘I have sinned’)… Anyways somewhere between telling her my troubles with god (ie slagging-off-the-big guy-in the sky) and agreeing to ‘eye ball’ the old farts with female vicar isuses I agreed to go to the next family service (which is short of families) …..which well is today, the kids will be doing a reading, And I’ve just told them so! #shockedfaces……….9.30am to be at church, Sunday Best on and personally regretting the previous nights processo OD! Happy Sunday xxxxb